Some times they are images of sadness in my life, Let me tell you a secret... Being in the public light is a challenge more then any thing to keep a smile on my face and keep the glittering show going for another day.
After large shows and productions, festivals or tours there is some thing that happens to the best of us and is post show depression. Our lives are difficult when it comes to doing a the every day things every one takes at for granted. Spending time with friends and family becomes more of a very well orchestrated juggling act.It's really hard to explain to some one why you are tired all the time and why you just need to push your self to the point of no sleep to make sure everything is set for the days you have to perform or travel tours. It sucks explaining why you really need to miss it and how you will make it up later. We are public and on 24/7 and even on days off is hard to keep a lid on emotions that are running high due to the stress we put our selfs thru for the sake of our art.
Social media being a popular medium of communication some deal with liking or sharing your journey, A text message or a call some times becomes a relationship and its a true strain on ones mind to miss some one on a daily basis and only being able to have one of the things above to comfort said loneliness. To tell you the truth, This month has not been the easiest what so ever... with the loss of a family member, a surgery for my mom, my shows, my costumes, my friends, my boyfriend and my job I push my self to the brim of exerting my mind, body and emotions more often then i like to admit. I'm a human after all and some times being alone is the most far thing from my mind. Im always surrounded by people and the relationships i keep are important to me... It's 3:15am right now am sitting in my living room having tea and listening to music as i write my blog that it self should tell you what hours i keep and what sleeping i get.
I feel is important to share my ever lasting battle with depression as some of you might know i keep a facebook account and i update it alot with anything really... but some times those anythings are feelings i need to let out. This week i saw a showering of support for my family specially my mother after her very public battle with cancer (i posted alot of it ) many people keep up with her well being and send her prayers and good wishes and every one knows she is my everything but i have also felt guilty for not being with her. I don't seem to understand how i juggle it all and i hear it all the time "How do you do it?, Your always going!, I see your updates on facebook all the time how do you have time?"
I know am not normal!My life is out there to the world to see because when I'm happy i share it with 10, 000+ people the same thing is when am sad. My depression started when i was young dealing with it has not been easy... I fall apart and i know well what sadness is - I have become really good at not dealing with it. I'm a suicide survivor and proud of it, I also have lost friends to it. I do not lose people well (I have loosing people) I'm not every one am me.. Im different ... I have been thru therapy and all the things i can do i have done but the best therapy for me is pouring my sadness into creation of a new act, a costume or even a journal... I do keep them. Once i was told "You have everything, your loved and admired and you can have any thing or any one you want? Why are you not happy?" Well .... that statement is not true.
Work- You have to put yourself out there daily answering your own emails for bookings that will get you feed and your rent paid..Producing shows is stressful and not for everyone and managing your time wisely is a trick i have used to make it happen and at that heading a team of people and learning to delegate is the harder task to learn. We are all employees to some one and being my own boss means if i dont feel like working i dont eat.. or make costumes. Regular jobs are hard since you are requesting time off to do what you want to do and they at times dont even know about your night life and some of them dont approve. Dual Lives can be really hard to keep.
Loved Ones- I have missed alot of their daily lives... Shows come in on weekends and so do parties to celebrate everything. Having a calender helps but i will always miss some thing for friends.. The last times i went to a movie theater was to see ... I cant even remember. I have missed soooo much and social media keeps me up with them but tell you i forget to text and or call and hang out.. since am always tired, working or traveling.
Relationships- NO ONE is lining down the front of my door waiting to date us, We are a mirage every one wants us when on stage but that is not us 24/7, We are people with real life issues and some of us dont keep a boyfriend or girlfriend due to our lifestyle. Everything is a dance to us. We trip on each other at times and we make it work as best we can. Jealousy and Trust is two big ones. Alot of times our bf/gf joins us on stage, helps us with our bags, our numbers, bookings, websites, music, graphic designs, inspiration, home life and they are the ones that open the door of the car after you get home from tour to embrace you and take you home feed you, bathe you and cuddle you in bed when you are just barely waling strait since you did so much. That goes for families too.
We Don't Get What We Want- If i got what i wanted let me tell you life would be good, but we dont we work for it and we are lucky to have people that support us along the way and give us help. A friend knew i was going thru hard times and re stocked my make up and helped me with costumes.. I will never forget that EVER! Some times people think you were given everything and that is not true. Some of us are really lucky and people show us kindness and that to me is ever lasting gratitude. I do not take advantage of it and i will never.. I make sure those people (and you know who you are) are said thank you and if i can return the favor with anything i will.
Friendships - Making new friends is easy .. for me at least but i always keep in mind that some of them are looking for some thing from me.. more then often is the stage. I have made really good friends and i know i love the ones i have and they understand me and keep up with me and tell me NO. I have lost so many friend on the most stupid things and some are valid but i have to say that this business really shows you the true colors of people and what they want from you. Some times we cant help things that happen, I care not to recollect but im rather thankful for the ones who stuck around... I will go to the grave for them!
Balancing a life in stage and keeping normality (in a way) is very difficult that is why performers of any kind are a hard shell to crack and understand. We try and really do try to keep you happy and entertain and give back when we have the time. If it was up to me i would never be sad.. i would like to never be sad again... crying messes up my make up .. giggles... Sadly am no super human or void of feeling... I embrace every handshake, every hug, every picture and every smile from every one warmly and openly let people see my life as what it is... A Really Good Story-
This week i signed a 2ft by 4 ft poster of my self the girl was thrilled and so were her friends taking pictures and getting to met me was a thing that made their night.. She also got burlesque class.. I remember her eyes lighting up and her smile getting bigger. That makes me happy.... My family and friends saying I love you- That makes me happy.. My boyfriend and Dr Who makes me happy.
This week some people said.. "I have been following the progress of this costume for days" "I have not missed one of your shows" "I remember watching you on stage when i was 18" "You inspire me" "You are Beautiful" "Im proud of you" all these things that were said humble me and keep me going... If you are still reading... YOU keep me going.. YOU give me hope, YOU give me a smile, YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU! I LOVE YOU! I CARE ABOUT YOU.. To my faithful readers.. Thank you for being here.. even do my english is horrid (hahaha)
Ill leave you with this.
"In life the hardest thing to accept is loosing some one or some thing, As humans we want to keep everything close but this teaches us to love everything more and take nothing for granted because tomorrow it maybe gone... "
with love - B